The Third Wall Lounge
by Silverdam
Summary: What if all fictional character are self-aware? What if breaches of the Fourth Wall are really breaches in protocol? What if fictional characters really experience every fan fiction that is written about them? And what if there is a place for them to go to complain about all of that? Here are the observations of Agent 31011, as he monitors the Fullmetal Alchemist Third Wall Lounge.
1. Prologue

**A/N - I had this idea weeks ago, and it wouldn't stop nagging me, so I decided to finally do something about it. I am still working on my other fic, but I really wanted to write this. The prologue is very short, but chapters will be longer. Updates will be sporadic. Enjoy.**

 _Agent 31011, monthly report:_

 _Three breaks of the fourth wall. All were repaired in a timely manner. No other precautions are needed._

 _Agent 31011, monthly report:_

 _Ten breaks of the fourth wall. All were repaired, with more than one close call. Requesting immediate assistance._

 _Agent 31011, monthly report:_

 _Twenty breaks of the fourth wall. Nineteen were repaired. Threat of revolt is imminent. Immediate action is advised._

 _Agent 31011, emergency report:_

 _Situation level: Deadpool. Third wall is needed without delay. Risk of breaches increasing by the hour._

HHHHH

 _Agent 31011 sighed with relief as the Third Wall, or the 'Third Wall Lounge' as it was sometimes called, was completed. His job would be exceptionally easier now that the characters had somewhere to vent out their frustration about all those ridiculous fan fictions they were thrown into. Honestly, he almost felt sorry for them. It made him glad he was an agent, and not a character. He took his place in front of the monitor, relaxing in his chair. Now all he had to do was make sure all self-aware conversation stayed inside the Third Wall Lounge._

 _'This,' he thought,'will be interesting. Oh yes, very interesting indeed.'_


	2. The First Day

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is the property of Hiromu Arakawa. In addition, any views expressed in this story concerning certain types of fan fictions do not necessarily reflect my views on said subjects.

 _Agent 31011 relaxed in his chair, hot coffee in hand, and eagerly watched the monitor in front of him. The first day was always the best, and he couldn't wait to see what was in store. The door to the lounge was kicked open, and a fifteen-year-old Edward Elric entered, followed by Alphonse Elric, Roy Mustang, and Riza Hawkeye. Agent 31011 smirked._

"Finally!" Edward exclaimed, falling onto one of the couches. "I told you guys that if we broke the fourth wall enough then they would get us a Third Wall Lounge."

Alphonse sighed. "Brother, you almost incited a rebellion. Don't you think you went a little too far?"

Roy snorted. "Of course he did. This is Fullmetal we're talking about."

Ed glared at him from the couch. "Well, it worked, didn't it?"

"I'm really glad it did," Al admitted. "I was starting to go crazy having to keep my mouth shut. Honestly, some fan fictions don't even make sense! It's like they're just killing me off for the fun of it!"

"It's for emotional value," Riza explained unnecessarily. "Everyone wants to see how Ed would react to his brother dying."

"Which I do _not_ appreciate!" Ed declared hotly.

" _You_ don't appreciate it?" Al cried. "What about me?! I've died dozens of times, it's horrible!"

"Yeah, but I've had to go through awful stuff too, Al!" Ed reminded his brother. "I mean, there's all of those…you know…" Ed shot an extremely uncomfortable glance towards Roy. "… _Those_ …stories…" His face turned almost as red as his coat.

Roy, as good as he was at maintaining his composure, was unable to keep his cheeks from heating up. "Yes…" He cleared his throat awkwardly. " _Those_ stories which we agreed to _never speak of again under any circumstances._ "

The four of them nodded vigorously.

"Not all of the fan fics are bad though," Riza commented. "Some of them are even enjoyable."

"Some of them," Al agreed. "The ones that are just us having bonding moments are pretty fun."

Ed wrinkled his nose. "I don't see why everyone is so obsessed with making _me_ and _Mustang_ have 'parental' moments though. Seriously, it's ridiculous!"

"Oh, come now Ed," Roy said with a smirk. "We all know that you only 'dislike' me because of your deep-seated relationship issues with your real father, which cause you to act with contempt towards anyone you see as a father-figure. Meaning me."

Ed jumped up from the couch. "That _isn't_ canon and you know it, jerk!"

"Reeaaaalyy?" Roy grinned at the disgruntled alchemist.

"Sir," Riza sighed. "Please stop teasing him."

"It isn't like parental fics are the worst ones, Brother," Al pointed out. "You've _definitely_ had worse."

Ed shuddered. "You can say that again, Al." He gave an exaggerated sigh. "Struggles of being the main character, I suppose."

"Hey, just because you're the main character doesn't mean you're the most popular!" Roy protested. "Everyone loves me!"

"Oh yeah?" Ed snickered. "Who's the one who had the whole fandom hate him?"

"One episode!" Roy protested. "It lasted _one_ episode! and as soon as everyone found out that I hadn't _actually_ killed Ross, they were over it!"

"Ah, but," Ed raised a finger. "They still hated you for that period of time. _I_ on the other hand–"

Roy scoffed, cutting Ed off. "Don't kid yourself, Fullmetal. Somewhere out there, in the deepest, darkest, depths of this fandom, there is someone who hates you."

"Yeah," Ed admitted. "But they don't matter because they're buried beneath all of the _other_ fans who love and adore me."

"But aren't those fans who love and adore you the same ones that do horrible things to you in their fics?" Riza asked.

"Well, that is true," Ed conceded. "I really wonder about that sometimes. I've been in _so many_ torture fics and I can't understand why they have a sadistic fascination with torturing me! I'm lucky I'm still sane!"

"At least those usually make sense though," Roy pointed out. "Some fics are completely nonsensical on the whole."

"That's not as bad as the ones with terrible grammar," Riza reminded them.

"Or nonexistent grammar." Ed shuddered.

"And then there's crossovers…" Roy shook his head. "That's a whole new level of crazy."

Ed groaned and leaned back on the couch. "I swear, if I get put in _one more_ Harry Potter crossover, I am going to go _crazy!"_

"Some of the are good," Al said, attempting to placate his brother.

" _Some_ of them, Al. _Some_ of them. and then there are the literally _hundreds_ of others that aren't! _Hundreds!_ And in the ones that _are_ actually good stories, I always end up hurt somehow. Or I have to spend months at that _really annoying_ school, with _really annoying_ kids, usually _without_ you!"

"You ending up injured is expected though," Roy said. "It's just a fact of life."

The door to the lounge opened, allowing Scar and May to enter.

 _Agent 31011 leaned forward. 'This should be interesting.'_

"Finally," Scar said. "It's about time."

"I agree," May said. "This lounge is long overdue."

"Are you even in a lot of bad fan fics?" Ed asked.

"Well," May replied, "I'm in some romance ones with Al, and those are usually okay. There are some that I want to forget though." The young girl shuddered.

"What about you, Scar?" Roy asked. "Are you in a lot of bad ones?"

"I'm sure that we've all been in at least one story that we wish we could forget," the Ishvalan replied. The rest of the room's occupants nodded solemnly.

"I'm sure Ed's been in the worst ones though," May said sympathetically. "You being the main character and all."

"Yeah," Ed sighed. "I've seen some really messed up stories."

"What's the worst one?" May asked.

"Don't make me pick one!" Ed cried. "I don't want to have to think about them enough to decide! I really hate being turned into a girl though. Ugh."

Roy snickered. "It's not like you had far to go."

"Hey, don't pretend it hasn't happened to you!" Ed snapped.

 _The lighthearted bickering continued, and Agent 31011 sighed in contentment. 'This sure beats running around fixing the Fourth Wall. I'm actually enjoying this.' He smiled, setting down his empty coffee mug and stretching his arms above his head. 'Yep, the first day is always the best. But the rest are gonna be quite enjoyable.'_

 **A/N - Warning, this is a long authors note, but I wanted to explain some things. This first chapter was the only one with a set 'timeline' because it was the first day. After this, the chapters will be arranged by whichever category the characters are discussing; humor, angst, hurt/comfort, etc. I will pick a few fan fics from each category and have the characters discuss them, but I will not mention any names, and if you recognize the fic, or it is one that you wrote, then** ** _please remember_** **that what they are saying** ** _does not_** **reflect my thoughts towards the fic, and there is a very high chance that I** ** _love_** **that fic. If you want me to discuss a certain story, then leave a review or PM me and I'd be happy to fit it in.**

 **Concerning pairings; I'm going off of Brotherhood and the manga, so keep that in mind when the characters react to non-canon pairings. Remember, these are the canon character discussing non-canon fan fictions. The characters will be portrayed from different times in the series; i.e. Ed may be 15 in chapter 5 then 12 in chapter 8. It depends on what they're talking about. I think that's all I have to say for now. Sorry this was so long!**


	3. Adventure I

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is the property of Hiromu Arakawa. In addition, any views expressed in this story concerning certain types of fan fictions and/or any specific story do not necessarily reflect my views/opinions on said subjects.

 _Agent_ _31011 Monthly Report:_

 _Third Wall is a success. No Fourth Wall breaches to report. However, it seems that the air conditioning has broken. I would at least like a fan, please._

 _Sending his_ _report, Agent 31011 picked up his makeshift paper fan and turned his_ _attention_ _back to the monitors. 'I wonder how they'll handle the_ _conditions…'_

" _UGH_ It's so _hooooot,"_ Ed groaned as he entered. "This is _horrible!_ "

"I'm sure it's not _that_ hot," Al scolded.

"It feels like a _desert_ in here!" Ed wailed.

Roy raised an eyebrow at Ed. "You've spent in time in a desert before, Fullmetal, and you very well know that it is much hotter in a desert."

"It's pretty darn close," Ed grumbled. "It's almost as bad as that one fic where we almost _died_ from dehydration!"

Roy rolled his eyes. "Except that you do not have concussion, we aren't being chased by Cretans who want to sell us to Drachma, and, oh, I don't know–how about the fact that there is water _right there._ " He pointed to the water cooler on the right wall.

Ed glared at Roy as Al sighed and shook his head. "That _was_ a pretty bad one though."

"No kidding!" Ed retrieved a cup of water and downed it in one gulp. "We were in the desert the _entire freakin' time._ And then I started hallucinating!"

"At least it was written well," Roy pointed out. "It could have been worse."

"Adventure fics are really hit-or-miss," Al commented. "Though actually…all fics are like that."

"Yeah," Ed said mournfully. "You either get the not-so-bad ones that are random adventures, or…the OC fics…"

Roy snickered. "The OC fics–that usually end with the OC falling in love with you."

"Don't remind me!" Ed groaned. "It doesn't even make sense! Why would I fall in love with some random girl that literally _fell out of the sky?_ "

"Not _all_ of them are like that," Al said. "Some of them are really funny. Like that one where you switched bodies–"

"You're only saying that because you didn't have to deal with it!" Ed interrupted. "And it was _not_ funny!"

"I don't know, Fullmetal." Roy smirked. "I thought it was fairly amusing."

"Jerks," Ed grumbled. "You wouldn't be saying that if it was _you_ who had to be in all those stories."

"Struggles of being the main character," Roy mocked. "You have to deal with all the OCs."

"I hate those stupid OC stories!" Ed yelled. "They make no sense, and they all have the same plot! 'Real world girl _somehow_ gets thrown into our world, where she _somehow_ ends up meeting me, we start off hating each other, and then for some _inexplicable reason,_ we end up falling in love! It's _ridiculous!"_

"Not all of them are like that," Al reasoned. "She doesn't _always_ fall in love with you."

"Yeah, but the rest of it is the same," Ed said, still glaring at no one in particular. "And there is always one OC who is the 'sassy, confident character' that smarts off to everybody and somehow never ends up with a broken nose."

Al sighed. "Except for that one time when you snapped and went off-story."

Ed grinned. "That was _incredible_ for stress relief. You should try it some time."

Roy frowned. "You messed up the whole story, Fullmetal! It took the agent hours to fix it!"

"I wish he hadn't," Ed complained. "That OC deserved a punch in the face."

 _Agent 31011 glared at the screen. That particular break had been a real pain; he'd even had to call in backup! The OC_ was _rather annoying, but still! It was a major breach in conduct!_

"Brother," Al scolded. "You shouldn't punch any girl in the face, no matter how annoying she is."

"What about Lust?" Ed asked. "Can't I punch _her_ in the face?"

"That's different," Roy said. "Didn't your mother ever teach you manners?"

"Winry hits _me_ all the time!" Ed protested. "Equality of the sexes!"

"How about you just don't punch _anyone_ in the face unless they _absolutely_ , one-hundred percent deserve it?" Roy said with a sigh. Ed looked over at Roy with a smirk. "Don't even think about it, Fullmetal."

"Can I punch the Mary-Sues?" Ed asked hopefully.

"Do you _really_ want another incident like last time?" Al reminded him. "The agent lectured you for half an hour!"

"Worth it," Ed grumbled. "And that agent needed to calm down! He got it fixed and everything, it wasn't _that_ big of a deal."

 _Agent 31011 glared again. It_ was _a big deal, and it had taken valuable time out of his day to fix it! Characters could be so inconsiderate sometimes._

"As bad as the OC stories are," Roy said, "some of the fics in the adventure genre are…tolerable, at least."

The door swung open, admitting Jean Havoc and Riza Hawkeye.

"Man is it _hot_ in here!" Jean exclaimed, flopping down on a couch. "Hey, were you guys talking about adventure genre fics?"

Al nodded. "The colonel was just saying that not all of them are so bad, but I don't think that Brother agrees."

"I don't blame you," Riza said to Ed. "After all, the most popular adventure fic is one of _those_ stories." Ed and Roy paled slightly.

"Is it really?" Jean asked. "How did _that_ happen?"

"Well, it has an interesting storyline," Al offered.

"Al?!" Ed cried in dismay. "How could you _say_ something like that?!"

"That's not what I meant, Brother," Al said. "I was only offering a possible explanation for why it's so popular."

"Let's talk about something else," Roy hurriedly suggested.

"Like all the Royai fics?" Jean asked with a smirk. Riza and Roy glared at him, and Riza's hand drifted towards her sidearm. "Calm down," Jean said, waving his hand dismissively. "There's no need to get so worked up."

"Yeah," Ed said. "We all know that you _love_ the well written ones."

"Yeah," Roy countered, "And we all know that _you_ love the Edwin fics, right?"

"Hey, shut up!" Ed yelled, blushing. "Those aren't even usually _in_ the adventure genre!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Jean asked with a smirk. "Sounds like you're just in denial."

"How could I even be in denial?" Ed protested. "I ask her to marry me! _Our_ relationship is canon, unlike some _others_ that I could name."

"I thought we were talking about adventure fics," Al said. "How did we get to romance?"

Jean shrugged. "Don't ask me."

"Whatever." Ed tossed his empty water cup into the trashcan and headed towards the door. "I'm outa here. C'mon, Al."

Al stood up and headed after his brother. "Bye!" He waved over his shoulder as he exited.

 _Agent 31011 watched them go suspiciously. 'He seemed really sincere when I lectured him after that one time, but apparently he wasn't. He'd better not pull anything like that again.' The agent fanned himself more vigorously. 'I should probably let them know I'm watching…but where's the fun in that?'_


	4. Angst I

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is the property of Hiromu Arakawa. In addition, any views expressed in this story concerning certain types of fan fictions and/or any specific story do not necessarily reflect my views/opinions on said subjects.

 **A/N - I realize that some of you may want to know what stories I'm referencing so you can go read them yourselves, so if you want to know then just leave a review and I'll PM you about it. Or you can PM me, either way works.**

* * *

 _Agent 31011 massaged his eyes, attempting to rid himself of a persistent headache. The loud, annoying, and altogether useless complaining coming from the lounge wasn't helping in the slightest. Honestly, how long was the kid going to keep this up? It wasn't like it would accomplish anything._

"…And to top it all off, all they do is make you feel depressed! Why would anyone choose to read something like that?!" Ed finished his rant and turned to his brother with a triumphant look.

Al sighed. "I know all of that, Brother, and ranting about it again isn't going to change the fact that people like angst fics."

"But _why_ do they like them?" Ed cried, throwing his arms up in exasperation. "Why would you enjoy reading something that is probably going to make you cry at some point?"

"Don't even pretend that you care about them crying," Al snorted. "You just don't like them because they usually involve you being tortured in some way."

"Is that not a good enough reason to hate them?!" Ed yelled angrily. "It's ridiculous! Why do so many people enjoy _torturing_ me? _Literally_?!"

The door to the lounge swung open as Ed spoke, allowing Roy, Riza, and Winry to enter.

"Who enjoys torturing you?" Winry asked, frowning.

"Brother's complaining about angst fics again," Al explained as he moved over on the couch to make room for Winry.

"Yeah," Winry said, "I don't really blame you. You get put through some rough scenarios."

"I know!" Ed fell into the chair next to Al. "One of the most popular stories is about me turning into a chimera! A _chimera!_ How would that even happen?!"

"Well," Roy put in. "At least you aren't alone on that one. That story where I got turned into a chimera is pretty popular too."

 _"Why_ though?!" Ed asked in frustration. "Why is a story about me being tortured and you being a chimera so popular?!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Riza stated calmly. "As you have said before, plenty of people enjoy seeing parental moments between the two of you. In order to realistically portray such moments of affection, you would have to be in a very bad situation. Hence the torture fics."

"So you're saying," Ed began in disbelief, "That people are _torturing_ me for the _sole purpose_ of creating a few 'parental' moments?!"

"Well," Winry added, "they could also be sadists."

Ed groaned. "I'm not even going to try anymore. I'm just glad that the Ruler of Angst hasn't written anything in a while."

"The Ruler of Angst?" Winry questioned.

Roy shuddered. "One writer in particular who _love_ angst–basically _all_ of their stories have angst in them. And are the most popular stories."

"Even the _humous_ ones have angst," Ed wailed. "Why would you _do_ that?"

"I'm sure it's not _that_ bad," Winry said, though she sounded unsure of herself.

"Sixteen stories," Ed said. "All but three of them are labeled as 'angst' and at least two of the others should be labeled the same. That's the writer that turned me into a _chimera,_ Winry."

"And who tortured me for five weeks!" Roy added.

"And who had me try to kill myself!" Ed complained.

"And who _killed_ me!" Al cried.

"Haven't plenty of people done that?" Winry reminded him.

"That's not the worst part!" Al retorted. "The way that I died was _ridiculous!_ I didn't even die a glorious death in battle or anything! I just–cracked! Like an egg! Do you have any idea how demeaning that is?!

"That…is pretty bad," Winry conceded.

But Al was on a role now. "The description of the story was 'Al is dead' and that's _it! Three-hundred-and-twenty_ people favorited it! Why do people love killing me so much?!"

Ed shot a look at his brother. "That's how _I_ feel about _all_ angst fics!"

"It's times like this when I'm glad I'm a side character," Winry commented cheerfully. She glanced at Roy and Riza. "Well, a side character who people aren't interested in for torture purposes, that is."

"Come on Winry," Ed prodded. "You can't say that angst fics aren't painful for you too–on an emotional level that is, if not physical."

"That is true," Winry admitted with a sigh. "I always get dragged in during the recovery because I have to fix your automail, and it's always very depressing yet somehow heartwarming at the same time."

"Surely you've had at least one angst fic where you did more than that," Riza reasoned.

"Yeah…there are a few," Winry conceded. "There's that one role-swap fic where _I_ committed the taboo and lost my arm and leg." Winry rolled her eyes. "I don't see the point in that, but whatever. And there was that one fic that shipped me with _Havoc_ of all people…" Winry shuddered.

"Well," Ed said, "I can certainly sympathize with you when it comes to being shipped with…" he coughed awkwardly. "…Unlikely people."

Winry nodded. "You definitely got the raw end of the deal when comes to ships." She looked around the room. "In fact, you've been shipped with everyone in this room in some way, shape, or form."

Ed put his hands over his reddening face and slid down the couch. "Don't remind me," he groaned, his voice muffled by his hands.

 _Agent 31011 watched as Al shifted uncomfortably next to his brother. He suspected that if Al had possessed the capability to do so, he would be blushing as well. As it was, he was looking about as embarrassed as he could, being a suit of armour._

 _Agent 31011 didn't blame him in the slightest. The mere thought of some ships was enough to make him uncomfortable…and he wasn't even a part of them. The man stretched his arms above his head, wishing that his headache would just leave already._

 _'Well,' he thought, 'at least they aren't being as loud anymore.' Glancing at his watch, Agent 31011 noted the date and groaned inwardly. 'Inspection day is coming up…' he glared at the monitors. 'You slip up one time–one time_ , _and they feel the need to 'check up on you' every two weeks.' Sighing, the agent went back to rubbing his head. 'Why did I have to get assigned to this fandom…'_


	5. Crime and Humor I

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is the property of Hiromu Arakawa. In addition, any views expressed in this story concerning certain types of fan fictions and/or any specific story do not necessarily reflect my views/opinions on said subjects.

* * *

 _Agent 31011 was enjoying a perfectly_ _splendid_ _day, thank you very much. In fact, the only disturbance in his quiet little room had been a fly that buzzed around for a while before settling in a corner. Other than that, he had enjoyed blissful peace and quiet. He should have known that it wouldn't last._

 _SLAM._

 _The door was violently thrown open._

 _CRASH._

 _A booted foot slammed into the nearest end table, sending vase to shatter on the floor._

 _Agent 31011 shot up in his seat, eyes frantically locked onto the screen in front of him, and spotted the person responsible for his mini heart attack._

 _"I swear that if I have to endure_ _one more_ _of those – ABOMINATIONS – then I will_ _KILL_ _something!"_ Edward Elric stood just inside the doorway, hands clenched at his sides, breathing heavily and with a wild look in his eyes. "They need to be _burned,_ Alphonse. _BURNED."_

"Brother," Alphonse said, while fluttering around Ed like a worried butterfly, "I understand, but–"

"Burned with _FIRE._ "

"Yes I know, but–"

"And _ACID._ "

"But you need to consider–"

 _"BURNED."_

…

"Broth–"

 _ **"BUUUUUUUURNED!"**_

Alphonse allowed a small sighing noise to escape his armour as his brother continued to glare. A blonde head poked into the room.

"The Colonel wishes for me to inform you that if you require his services then you will have to wait until a later date," Riza informed them calmly. "He says that he cannot be in the same proximity as…" she paused with an odd look on her face. "The red one. He also refused to say your name, Edward. I don't what happened in that fic you were in but I assume it wasn't very good."

Ed's face turned an odd sort of color, as if he couldn't decide if he should turn red or go pale, and the result was an equally strange and rather sickly looking complexion. He opened his mouth, but closed it again, seemingly not able to force any sound out.

"Yes, that would be accurate," he finally managed.

"As I was trying to say," Alphonse said, "you can't burn something that doesn't have a physical form. I suppose you could burn the author if you somehow found a way to tear the fabric of reality and escape this story, but that's probably not a good idea."

"Maybe you should talk about something else to get your mind off of it," Riza suggested. "At least until the hour passes and your memory is blurred."

Ed fell back onto one of the couches. "Okay…what then?"

"Umm…" Al shifted, armour rattling. "Well, what do you think of that new crime fic?"

"What do you mean what do I think of it?!" Ed asked in annoyance. "It's not even about me! It's about Havoc! And the new one that _does_ have me in it is about my 'son' who apparently joins a gang or something! How does that idea even happen?"

Riza cracked a smile. "I don't know Ed, if your son was anything like you then I don't it's that much of stretch."

"Fics in the crime category are usually weird," Al said with a sigh. "And there aren't even that many that are officially categorized there."

"I won't disagree with that," Riza said. "One person even turned me into a _robot_ …which was by far the weirdest thing I have ever experienced."

"It's either weird stuff like that or someone being murdered or kidnapped," Ed said. "There are _so_ many people who have either made me a suspect in a murder case, or made me into a criminal! Seriously, why would you want to do that?!"

"Probably because you act like one," Al suggested calmly.

"Al!" Ed cried in protest. "I'm with the _military_!"

"Which makes it even more surprising how often you disregard the law," Riza added.

"Think of it this way," Al offered. "Would you rather be in a story where _you_ were the one kidnapped or murdered, or one where you're a criminal?"

"It doesn't matter," Ed groaned. "I get kidnapped and murdered anyway. One person even wrote a story that is literally _nothing but_ me being kidnapped. Repeatedly. In increasingly horrible ways!"

"But you always get away in the end!" Al said cheerfully. "And besides, none of those kidnappings were _that_ bad. At least, not as bad as some of the _other_ ones."

"And that one AU crime fic didn't have you as a criminal, suspect, or victim," Riza reminded Ed. "The one where you worked with the police. You were even married to Winry. That one wasn't too bad, right?"

"I did so get kidnapped in that one!" Ed protested. "It just wasn't the main point of the story!" At Riza's glare, Ed shrunk backwards. "Uh – I mean – yeah, I guess it could've been worse…"

Riza nodded in satisfaction.

"Really, Ed," Alphonse said with a sigh. "You complain about _all_ of the stories that you're in. Surely there are _some_ that you enjoy? Like…the humor ones! Those are pretty fun, right?"

"Fun?" Ed glared at his brother. "Most of what author's consider 'funny' usually ends up being incredibly uncomfortable and inconvenient situations for _me!_ One of those authors literally had me barking like a dog at the end! You call that _fun?"_

"It was only once!" Al protested. "Besides…that one was pretty funny."

Ed glared harder.

The door to the lounge swung open. Jean Havoc was the first to enter, followed by Maes Hughes, who was practically dragging a reluctant Roy Mustang.

"Yo!" Hughes called. "What are we talking about?"

"Humor fics," Al answered as the three sat down. "Brother thinks that they're all horrible."

"He thinks that everything is horrible," Havoc responded.

"I'm sitting right here you know," Ed growled.

Mustang smirked. "Really? I didn't see –"

Ed cut him off mid-word. "Don't. Start."

"C'mon Ed," Hughes interrupted, turning the conversation from potentially dangerous ground, "humor fics are great!"

Riza nodded. "There are plenty of humorous stories that don't revolve around your suffering," she said. "Like the one where you chased the Colonel around headquarters the entire time."

"Or the one where you were babysitting Elicia," Al added.

"I guess, some of them can be enjoyable," Ed admitted. "Like the one we're in now."

 _Agent 31011 choked on his coffee, momentarily losing sight of the screens in front of him. When he had recovered enough to stare, horrified, at the scene displayed on his monitors, he saw that Edward Elric had been tackled by every person in the room, all of which were yelling at him._

"What the HECK ED?"

"Did you learn NOTHING from last time? _NOTHING at all –"_

"Fullmetal, if I have to tell you _one more time,_ I swear –"

"It's like you're _trying_ to get it revoked –"

"You can't just go around _doing that you absolute IDIOT –_ "

"Alright, alright, I get it!" Ed's muffled voice came from the floor. "Jeez, you're all acting like I set off a bomb or something…seriously, it's not like I said –"

LINE BREAK

 _Agent 31011 breathed a sigh of relief. As soon as Edward had opened his mouth for the second time, he_ _knew_ _that the kid would say something_ _even more_ _out of line. To save the situation, he had made a flying leap towards the Line Break button, barely reaching it in time. Now that that was over, he feebly typed out an emergency message: 'Send help. They are crazy. Extreme force may be required. Or just duct tape.'_

* * *

 **A/N–Man, haven't updated this in forever…sorry guys, I've been really busy and haven't had much free time. Anyway I decided maybe I was being mean to all the characters by having them go through literally everything, so I added a little detail where they don't actually remember ALL the details of everything they're in…because I'm nice. Also that would literally drive someone crazy.**


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